I’ve spoken candidly and openly about my struggle to find my place in this season of mothering little ones and mothering a business.

December 15, 2016 was the day our kids let out of school for the holidays. I had so much work and I felt ragged. I was drowning in emails and texts, and notifications and guilt.

Guilt about having to work during the holidays while they were home and someone else was caring for them. Guilt because this was a choice I made; to have a retail shop with retail hours who depended on holiday sales for a large part of the year’s revenue.

So I made a drastic change and decided to quit our retail store despite all the odds and the money I stood to lose. Nonetheless, I felt a great peace about my decision to close Southern Girl General. But I couldn’t wear it proudly. I was ashamed to tell people that I had closed the store. I had quit.

What would they say? What would they think?

That I wasn’t successful? That I had failed? That I had let them down?

Would they even believe me when I said I chose my kids first? Because who does that? Right? I wasn’t even sure I believed it.

I found comfort in sharing the news and confusion with my friends. Perhaps more than I was trying to comfort myself, I was trying to convince myself; that I had succeeded, that I had made the right choice, and that I wouldn’t regret it.

I was so certain I did the right thing, but I was riddled with uncertainty. I felt unsettled about it all.

I found quiet and peace in the long winter days at home with my kiddos. In that stillness was where I yearned to be. So I stayed. Still.

And waited.